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But i'm still just as homicidal.

i don't know what the fuck i'm gona do later to make myself happier, or even just apathetic. Usually i watch Gravi, but Ferdy's got disc 1, the one with the Bad Luck concert where Ryuu shows up. Oh well. Maybe A Knight's Tale will help. Heath ledger's hot. i wana go see the Brothers Grimm movie. Ferdy, wana go sometime? Say yes.

i think i said this a few days ago, but i really do NOT want to go to school this year. i mean, i've never liked going back after the summer, ecxept for the fact that i neever see freinds til then. [yes my spelling is starting to suck but you'll just have to deal with that, won't you?] this year i'm just dreading it. As far as i know the only person i care about in my english, psych, and v/v classes is katie. i hate literally half my french class pbut hey, there's 6 of us >>], anatomy is going to suck, and im afraid of the idiot ill get stuck with in law. oh christ do i really have to go? and of course theres gona be more pressure from people for me to be #1 and piss off ariana, but i dont give a shit. if i finsih at 3 this year im going to be pissed though. just on principle.

im sick of college shit already. the visits, the emails, the snail mailings... i requested applications from harvard and VCU yesterday, and i got one from unh at the open house. chrsit, on the off chance i get into harvard my mother is going to open the phone book and call fucking everyone in it. that;s what she did when i got into all my high schools and got the scholarships. fucking christ this is going to suck. i dont give a damn, i just want to go to college. i just want to lounge around all day and go to classes in my pjs and sweatpants and crappy tshirts and not have to worry about my mother running my life or about fucking competition with certain bitches at school that everyone wants me to be in but i dont care for. and i hate to say it but i dont want to deal with kari-ann. i just dont. p3ffy and i have been kinda kind-heartedly making fun of her and how she's so anal about what she looks like and what WE look like, and i dont want to go back to that. we have december and 4th quarter out of uniform, plus tag days. i'm not dressing preppy so kari-ann can feel less self conscious. and i dont want to listen to her making fun of anime or saying im weird because of what i like or any of that, or "Gee, how did we get to be friends again?" which is her way of saying "you're a fucking weirdo and you're attracting unwanted attention to me." and omg if she does as little homework adnd studying this year as she did last year i swear to god ill kill her.

french is going to suck. im a level ahead of everyone and therefore ill be resented if i know any word they dont or i fi do this or that or whatever... and of course i talk to french people in french on gaia, so i'll know a lil more outside of what i've learned and theyll be all like "ooh uyou're showing of now huh" and i really dont want to deal with that either.

i dont give a shit that im smarter than everyone in almost everything and it's never stopped me before from doing what's expected of me, or better, but fucking christ it gets annoying when people are like "omg youre so smart you have no right to bitch about getting a 'bad grade' because thats not really bad" well thats great for you but i have my own standards and just because i dont SUCK like you do, i DO get bad grades and you have no right to assume that i dont stress out just as much as you do. so fuck off. my life is not perfect just because my gpa is 4.3+ if anything it's worse because so many people are like "omg you're so smart we've got so great expectations for you" and i dont giv ea shit. i know what i want to do with my life and it doesnt involve whatever the fuck you want me to do

speaking of which, my uncle has been telling me for years that i should be an accountant and study the stock market and shit because i can make so much money. this is the same uncle who bitches at my mom for letting us read harry potterr and watch anime cuz they're satanic of some shit like that. and he's been saying that extremem makeover show is doing a teen edition and he wants to nominate me for it. he told mom he's joking, but i would kill him. aside from the fact that it's fucking offensive as hell, i would just kill him for it. he called yesterday so see how mom's doing and she mentioned something about how she's told me repeatedly i'm not spending summers here during college if i come back with piercings and colored hair and he told her to tell me that people in the real world dont look kindly on people with colored hair and shit. ASK ME IF I GIVE A FUCK. CUZ I DONT.

i hate everyone right now. i hate stop n shop ans everyone there, i hate school, i fucking hate life. i really do. im so pissed off at everything and everyone. but at the same time i really dont give a shit baout anything. can you really be apathetic and utterly pissed off at the same time? now would be the time to go write like, angsty fanfiction or to play angry angtsy pseudo rock shit on my guitar or soemthing, except i cant play anything and i havent written any good fics in a year. someone kill me. just kill me now, please. i really dont want to have to deal wth any of this fucking shit anymore. im sick of living here and of all the stupid drama that life brings and whatever. i weish i could just jump forward 10 years or something. ill be living on my own probably working toward a fucking phd since that's what you need to be accepted as an expert of whatever, and ill probly be living in some mini apartment alone and miserable but at least id be alone. alone and with no one to answer to and no one to give a shit about.

now i want a boy/girlfriend whom i could guilt into feeling bad since i feel shitty, and then make them buy me stuff. like coffee. i need a coffee right now but mom has the car and im not walking across the street in the dark brecause im just too fucking lazy.

im sure someone's going to stumnble on thisand be offended but i coulndt care less right now. i really couldnt.

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fleaball

March 2009

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